It’s reading and rereading the last message we sent you when we don’t get a reply because “Ummmm…was is something I said?” “Did I offend you in any way?” “I should probably apologize for wasting their time because they’re too busy, and I’m not.” Yes, it’s over thinking.
It’s a lot of uncontrollable over thinking. It sounds like paranoia. Somehow our minds could create the most bizarre connections between things. It’s like forming a conspiracy theory about things that could or could not be. As crazy as it sounds, sometimes our theories turn out to be true.
It’s feeling guilty even though you didn’t do anything wrong.
Anxiety. It’s not being able to eat despite feeling hungry. It’s the collywobbles, but even you don’t know why they’re there. It’s telling people that you have gastritis when you really don’t. Do you really want to explain your mental illness to your friends who are enjoying their meal?
It’s feeling disturbed when things aren’t in order because you have OCD tendencies, too. I mean what if something goes wrong because it wasn’t at the right position in the first place?
It’s caring too much, then pretending not to care that much because some people don’t like the clingy you.
It’s “overreacting” because you’re scared.
It’s an illness that people mistake for insanity, when it really isn’t. It’s an illness that makes you feel like you’re having a heart attack whenever it strikes.
It’s painful. Heck, it’s pain itself. It makes your chest burst when it peaks. It makes you beg for it to stop…to just stop. It makes you cry, it makes you horrible…and it drags on for days.
Sometimes it paralyzes you, and you stay in bed not wanting to get up. Sometimes you have to get up, and you put on a pseudo default happy face so you don’t have to explain to anyone how conflicted you’re really feeling inside. Sometimes it’s insomnia because your thoughts won’t let you sleep, and you end up popping a sleeping pill you’ve been hiding under your pillow.
No, we can’t turn it off and be “normal” like you when your patience has ran out. Believe me, even we are trying to be patient with ourselves. We only ask you to understand us. We’re sick, but we don’t use our sickness as an excuse.
It’s not just wanting a hug, it’s needing a hug because damn, you’ve never felt so safe and comfortable in your life. It’s needing a hug because after all the chaos happening in your head, that’s the only thing that makes sense right now.